23 September 2013

I'm Not a Bad Wife, Really!

I’ve been getting some comments about what a bad wife I am. How could I possibly write such horrible and sarcastic things about my husband? I thought I should set the record straight. I mistakenly gave Scott the password to the Blogger tool which means he goes into the backend of the system and changes what I write. He is the one responsible for all of those sarcastic comments about himself. Scott is one very sarcastic guy. He is so sarcastic that he loves nothing more than being sarcastic about himself. When he first started working in Scotland, one of the guys he was working with was very impressed with Scott’s sarcastic prowess. He said that he didn’t think Americans got sarcasm but that Scott had proven him wrong. Scott glowed for days as a result of that compliment. You just couldn't get him to stop smiling. I've never seen him smile that much before. It was disturbing.

I thought I would share with you a few examples of what I originally wrote and what Scott changed it to. By the way, Scott is also responsible for any spelling and grammatical mistakes you find in this blog.

The first example is from our post about needing to hold your breath for two minutes should your sailboat roll over unexpectedly.

Scott’ Sarcastic Version

“A couple of years ago, Scott gave me a copy of a glossy brochure entitled “Cruising into the Sunset with Your Partner.” I read it very carefully especially the small print. Scott is very crafty and twists words and phrases with the polish of a politician so it is really important to read the small print carefully. I read the brochure multiple times including the small print. It described walks on moonlit beaches, tropical drinks served in coconuts, relaxing with a good book in the cockpit and had lots of pictures of dolphins and Narwhals frolicking in the ocean. Nowhere, and I mean nowhere, did it say anything about boats rolling over and needing to hold your breath underwater for two minutes. If I wasn’t married to him, I would report him to NZ Commerce Commission for violations of the Fair Trading Act. (Note: If Scott ever hands you a glossy brochure with a mischievous smile on his face, I implore you to read the small print very closely. Then read it again. Then consult your attorney and have him/her read it too.)”

Ellen’s Original Version

“A couple of years ago, Scott gave me a copy of a glossy brochure entitled, 'Cruising into the Sunset with Your Partner.' He is just the sweetest guy ever! I am so lucky to be married to him! I can’t wait to go sailing with him! I trust him so much that I don’t even need to bother to read the brochure. I know that he’ll be a terrific skipper and nothing bad will ever happen to us out on the big, blue ocean. Hands off girls, he is all mine!”
And here is an example from our post on sailing in the Hauraki Gulf last summer.
Scott’s Sarcastic Version
“After Kawau we headed back to Gulf Harbor for a night and I took a much needed shower at the marina. When I got back Scott said he was going to the "shower block" but, because of my aforementioned watchful eye resolution, I became suspicious when I noticed he didn't take a towel with him. This was coupled with Scott's curious use of the phrase "shower block" rather than "take a shower" as Scott likes to twist words and sentences to his own devices. I was on to him. No matter what he was going to take a shower! I don't care if he doesn't like to immerse himself in water! Not one more minute of that odious, odorous body on this boat! So I marched right up the pontoon, grabbed the nearest male marina staff and had him go into the showers and deliver a towel to Scott. When Scott got back he said he must have dropped his towel because some guy handed it to him in the shower. I just rolled my eyes and gave him a big whiff test. He passed.”
Ellen’s Original Version

“After Kawau we headed back to Gulf Harbor for a night and I took a much needed shower at the marina. Scott didn’t need to take a shower as he is so pure of heart that he always smells of fresh-cut flowers. When he burps and farts (rarely done and always in the most gentlemanly-like fashion), there isn't any nasty smell whatsoever and you can see tiny unicorns and rainbows floating in the air.”

This next example is from our post about how surprised I was to find that I was telling people that I love our boat when we were anchored up in Kawau.

Scott's Sarcastic Version

"So maybe being anchored in Kawau on a lovely summer day was what caused me to be so lovey-dovey towards our boat. Or is it because Scott is secretly drugging me? I'm convinced that he puts valium in my drinking water to keep me sedated especially during gale force winds and when the boat is heeled over quite a bit. I am now wondering if he also puts some sort of 'happy' drug in my drinking water."

Ellen's Original Version

"So maybe being anchored in Kawau on a lovely summer day was what caused me to be so lovey-dovey towards our boat. Or more likely, it is because I am married to the most super man in the whole wide world. He is just so darn super. It is almost like being married to Superman himself, but better. With a husband like Scott, who needs drugs? Being married to him is like being on the best drug ever. Without any unpleasant side effects whatsoever."

Moral of the story, lesson to be learned...don't trust a cynical and sarcastic sailor. Unless he puts drugs in your drinking water of course. Then, by all means, buy a sailboat and agree to live on it and cruise around the world. 

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